Tonight, I put this into the google search engine to see what came back “my husband goes off for days and then comes back like nothing has happened” and it lead me to the DearCupid.ORG relationship advice website. It is a great site and has all sorts of advice for common and not so common relationship issues.
From what I saw as a result of my search, men going off sulking after a fight, during a fight or discussion or just because they can’t express themselves is very common! This is scary and from my reading, see my response on the site, it is passive aggressive controlling behaviour – it is unacceptable and should have been stamped on when these men were little boys. I have seen it so many times, a mother treating their son like he is a god, like he is better than better and can’t do anything wrong. Well, it is these little boys that many of us now have as husbands and partners and they expect to be treated the same way as their mothers treated them when they were young. That is: like they can do no wrong, that the sun shines out of their bottoms, that they can not be criticised and they are just “wonderful” and should be ‘appreciated” for just being.
You just would not accept that your child or teenager would walk away from you when you were talking to them so why do we accept this behaviour in our grown men? It creeps up on you. A little bit here and a little bit there – slowly over years you start to lose your self-esteem. Slowly you start to change your own behaviour to avoid the nastiness and slowly you start to lose yourself in a world gone mad. He may tell you that it is “you” – “you just keep on at me and I can’t think”, or “you just keep coming after me” or “its you that doesn’t listen and it’s you that treats (him) badly.” All of this because you want to be loved and listened to, you want to be near and dear to your partner so you ask him to treat you in ways that are good for you, or you ask him to not do something that upsets you and then all hell breaks loose. You may as well have asked for the moon with jelly on top and of course if he got that for you – “you wouldn’t appreciate it anyway”.
Hmmm, why are we doing this to ourselves? I think it is because as Changing Women we are stuck between the “old” view of women and the “new” view that we know to be true, that’s the one where we know we have choice and we know that we are worth more than this, but we can’t help slipping back in time to the sameness that we knew as children. This is the sameness that is often replayed on television and in movies, the one that reinforces the “old” version of what women should be, and then we are trapped….but we don’t need to be.
It is hard to break out of this cycle of abuse, but we can all do it. Just look forward to what can be and start planning the life that you can have. No more plans thrown into disarray because of a fight, no more pretending to be OK with friends when your heart is breaking on the inside and no more feeling alone in your own relationship. Look forward and seek support from others and you will be OK, more than that you will be better than OK – you will be wonderful and know your full potential! Live now and support the Changing Women.